Days Of Our Lives
by MusingsThoughts
Summary: AU: "Walk a mile in my shoes. See what I see. Hear what I hear. Feel what I feel. THEN, maybe, just maybe, you'll see we aren't so different you and I. Until then, don't judge me." Friendship is a powerful thing. It gives us hope. It gives us strength. Perhaps it is what Bella needs, what they all need. The students of Forks are going to understand, whether they want to or not. A/H
1. Chapter 1

1

_There are moments in our lives that makes and sets the course of who we're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are._

I love the rain. Strange isn't it? I always feel my best when it's raining outside. The raindrops pouring down the windowpane. Each drop melting with an other. Do you want to know the saddest quote created by the funniest man in the world? "_I love walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying." _Funny isn't it? Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But we all know you can't have a rainbow without a little rain. So instead of sitting there and just getting wet. _Feel the rain. Dance in it. Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain. Maybe raindrops are the bravest things created by God because they are never afraid of falling. _The rain makes everything seem beautiful. It makes it seem like I'm not the only one feeling pain. Rain falls because the clouds can no longer handle the weight. Tears fall because the heart can't handle the pain. But it's okay because tears evaporate and will become rain. One of the worlds most painful yet beautiful cycles.

I watch as the scenery seems to melt with each other as the car speeds up. Raindrops glittering in the sun light. Gray dreary clouds quickly covering it. I admire the twist and blur of colours as we drive by. I admire what could be one of the most obvious yet under appreciated forms of art.

Getting lost in the blur of yellows, reds, blues and greens. It seems so easy...To let go. Let go of the pain, hurt and sadness, and like the rain and blur, just let myself get lost. To stop simply existing and just start living again. I tell myself that's what mom would have wanted, what they all would have wanted. But how can you start living when your mere existence loses its meaning? How can you live when your reasons are gone? How? And why? Why is it so hard? Jacob did it, so why can't I? Why must I hurt? Why must I feel pain while he does not? Why?

Why I can't I be numb like him? That's the thing with pain, it demands to be felt.

I'm in pain ever day. That changed me. It made me a different person, a harder person. And now, I'm alone. And as much as I hate it, it has made me stronger too. After all, pretending to be happy when you're in pain is just an example of how strong you are as a person.

"We're here." Jacob says. He's standing by my open car door. It seems I've let my inner musing distract me again. I paint a smile on my face, as I quickly exist the car. We were indeed here, at our new housing. I refuse to call it home, home is where your heart is and my heart died a long time ago. They took it with them.

This beige two story house is not home, nor will it ever be. Not while they're gone.

"Great. Let's go inside, shall we?" I say, running up to the oak wood door. "I can't wait to unpack and go to school tomorrow."

"Bells...maybe you should wait a bit before -" Jacob starts to say before I immediately cut him off.

I smile brightly at him. "Really Jake? I'm perfectly fine. School will be great." I say, " And stop treating me like I'm made of glass and I'm going to break. I'm not fragile." Aren't you though? I can almost see the words in his eyes. Widening my smile, I run inside to my room, telling Jacob I need to unpack.

Standing in my cream colored room, I place my suitcase by the closet on the right side of the room. My bed, covered with white sheets, is on the left side of the room, just by a window. My attention is immediately drawn to the few raindrops still on the windowpane and my previous thoughts come to mind. I suddenly realize that I am alone in here and that there is no reason to pretend.

When I'm alone, I think. When I think, I remember. When I remember, I feel the pain. When I feel pain, I cry. And when I cry, I can't stop. My greatest fear is this.

I feel like a child again. _Please don't leave me alone Jacob. _I cry myself to sleep that night.


	2. Prelude : Mirror Mirror

2

_Mama said "You're a pretty girl. What's in your head, it doesn't matter._

_Brush your hair, fix your teeth. What you wear is all that matters. Pretty hurts. So we shine the light on whatever worst. Trying to fix something, but you can't fix what you can't see. It's the soul that needs a surgery.~Beyonce~_

Size 4 and 97 pounds. Not small enough. That shirt I bought is a size 3. Another diet then, that shirt is way too cute to pass up. They only had it in a size 3 anyways. Not like I can just go back to the store and get one in my size. I thought I could squeeze myself into it, but I'm too big.

Too fat. As always. Ever since I was little all I've heard was : _"Oh look at her chubby little cheeks." "Hey Pumpkin/Tomato." "Wow she is so fat." "How come you're so fat when your sister and mom are so skinny."_ Mom...Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and your don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand.

If I could get anything in the world, it would be to be alone. People have stop being comforting and being alone never is. But at least, when your alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take _"I don't know"_ for an answer.

I hate looking into the mirror and being forced to see this **thing.** When I say I'm fat. It's because I am. Not because I want you to lie and say I'm not. I hate when people say "Stop you're not fat", thinking that I just want to pick up their attention. They don't understand, you know?

I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I don't have definite collarbones or hip bones. I don't have that thigh gap. I'm not skinny but I wanna be. And I want that because my biggest wish is to be comfortable in my own skin. I never thought I'd be the girl with the eating disorder. I want to tell someone what I'm doing to myself, so damn much. I hate feeling so alone in this. But then I look in the mirror,I stop. Because I'm too fat to have an eating disorder. Because the pain of looking in the mirror hurts more than starving.

My grades need to be higher. My weight needs to be lower. My stomach needs to be flatter. It's my wallet that needs to be fatter. My skin needs to be tanner. My teeth need to be whiter. My heart needs to be stronger. My friends need to be uglier. My face needs to be prettier. My hair needs to be longer. My skirt needs to be shorter. My body needs to be hotter. My image needs to be cooler. My boobs need to be bigger. My waist needs to be smaller. I chuckle humorlessly as I gaze at my reflexion. Society really knows how to make you feel like shit.


End file.
